Plenty of dads will recognise this. Something bad happens, maybe an accident, a loss, a frightening few weeks in hospital with one of the kids, or something from years ago that never quite went away. You don’t talk about it much. Instead, you end up in the shed, the garage or halfway up a ladder. Sanding, painting, fixing. It feels better than sitting with it.
There’s something to that. Working with your hands can genuinely help people steady themselves. But for some dads, the shed becomes a place to hide from something that really needs more than a fresh coat of paint.
Why hands-on work feels like it helps
Practical tasks give the mind something concrete to hold on to. There’s a clear start and finish, visible progress, and a sense of control that can be in short supply after a difficult event. Repetitive physical work, like sanding a door or laying a patio, can be calming in its own right, and finishing a job brings a small, reliable sense of achievement.
For many men, it’s also an easier way to be around other people. Standing side by side at a workbench is often less intense than sitting face to face and talking about feelings.
None of that is a bad thing. Keeping busy and doing practical things can be a healthy part of getting through a hard time.
When busy becomes avoiding
The trouble starts when keeping busy turns into never stopping. Some signs that a dad may be dealing with more than ordinary stress after something traumatic:
- Nightmares, flashbacks or memories that push in uninvited
- Feeling on edge, jumpy or quick to anger, especially with the kids
- Avoiding places, people or conversations that remind him of what happened
- Struggling to sleep, or sleeping badly most nights
- Feeling numb or cut off from family
- Drinking more, or relying on something else to switch off
- Working or “doing jobs” almost constantly to avoid having time to think
One or two of these for a short while after something difficult is normal. Several, lasting weeks or months, can be a sign of post-traumatic stress, and that’s worth taking seriously.
What the evidence says actually works
For post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), there’s strong evidence for specific talking therapies. The 2023 US Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense clinical practice guideline, summarised by the Psychological Health Center of Excellence, strongly recommends three trauma-focused psychotherapies: cognitive processing therapy, eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), and prolonged exposure therapy. It also notes that both psychotherapy and medication are effective, and that where both are available it favours the recommended therapies.
One point in that guidance is especially relevant for dads who’ve been self-medicating. It states that co-occurring substance use or other disorders should not prevent someone from receiving trauma-focused treatment. In other words, you don’t have to sort out your drinking first before getting help with what’s underneath it.
In the UK, the place to start is usually your GP, or NHS talking therapies, which in England you can refer yourself to.
Where hands-on therapies fit
Some services also offer hands-on or activity-based approaches, from art and gardening to working with animals. Horse-based therapy is one that often catches people’s attention, and it isn’t hard to see why. Grooming, leading and simply being around a large, calm animal can feel very different from a clinic room.
The research is still early, though. A 2022 scoping review in Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy (Diaz and colleagues) looked at equine-assisted services for people with substance use problems and found possible benefits for staying in treatment and for mental health, alongside positive accounts from participants about bonding with the horses and feeling more motivated. But the authors described the evidence as weak, because of small studies and methodological limits, and concluded that effectiveness as an add-on to treatment remains inconclusive.
So these approaches are best seen as a possible extra, not a replacement for proven therapies. If you’re curious about what horse-based sessions actually involve, this explainer on equine therapy for trauma describes a typical session. Whatever you’re considering, it’s worth asking any provider whether they offer it themselves, who delivers it, and how it fits alongside trauma-focused therapy.
Talking to the kids and your partner
Dads often worry that admitting they’re struggling will frighten the family. Usually the opposite is true. Partners have often noticed already, and children pick up on tension even when they don’t understand it. A simple, honest line such as “Dad’s had a tough time and he’s getting some help with it” can be a relief for everyone.
It also shows the kids something worth learning: that strong people ask for help.
Getting help
If any of this sounds familiar, speak to your GP, or look up NHS talking therapies in your area. If you’re drinking more to cope, mention that too. Help for both can go hand in hand.
If you’re struggling right now or have thoughts of harming yourself, Samaritans are free on 116 123, 24 hours a day, in the UK and Ireland. In an emergency, call 999. In the US, call or text 988.
Put the tools down for a minute
There’s real value in fixing things. But some of the most important repairs a dad will ever make aren’t in the house. They’re the ones that start when he puts the tools down for a minute and lets someone help.
Sources
- Psychological Health Center of Excellence. Psychotherapy for PTSD (October 2023; derived from the 2023 VA/DOD Clinical Practice Guideline for the Management of PTSD and Acute Stress Disorder, v4.0). https://health.mil/Reference-Center/Publications/2024/01/04/Psychotherapy-for-PTSD
- Diaz, L., Gormley, M. A., Coleman, A. et al. (2022). Equine-assisted services for individuals with substance use disorders: a scoping review. Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy, 17(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13011-022-00506-x
- Samaritans Ireland. About us (helpline 116 123, free, 24/7; checked October 2026). https://www.samaritans.org/samaritans-ireland/about/
- Healing Rock Recovery. What is equine therapy trauma and how does it help? (client page; read October 2026). https://www.healingrockrecovery.com/equine-therapy-trauma/